August 8, 2017

Funny Review Quotes for Fifty Shades of Grey: Part 1

 Fifty Shades of No

Before I found these gems I knew that 'Fifty Shades of Grey' was a poorly written piece of erotica. I wouldn't recommend it- and it isn't my genre. Can I say "it doesn't suit my tastes" in the same post? whatever. Here for your amusement:

Wigs says "Thank you E.L. James, for proving to me there was something worth waiting for. Something that truly exemplifies the meaning of terrible."

Brigid says "This book was unbelievably horrible." and "But it turns out, this is hardly even a book. A bit of backround research will quickly inform you that this book is actually a very long piece of Twilight fanfiction. I kid you not." and "This book is just written like the stream-of-consciousness of a 15-year-old. All Ana can seem to do in her narration is comment on how sexy Christian looks, and throw in a lot of "Holy shit!"/"Holy crap!"/"Holy fuck!"s. I read this in ebook format, so I looked up how many times each of these phrases was used. "holy shit" = 65 times "holy crap" = 54 times "holy fuck" = 45 times" and "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string... what! And... a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."

Katrina P.L.
says "What in the hell just happened? Did I really read that? Oh, my god, I did. I did read that." and "My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any "sympathy" she feels for her sick friend is "unwelcome". Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu...? What a petty, jealous cunt." and "My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don't shut the fuck up" and "Since this is considered nothing more than "mommy porn", I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? Well, none of it was particularly well-written."

Steph says "Introducing an even more abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT! Now with whips and chains!" and "I'm not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought I might genuinely like it before I started, but all I was left with was one hell of a mindfuck."

Kruti says "In the words of Miss Steele, "You need to sort your shit out, Grey!" Good day, sir!" and "What baffles me is the scary fangirlgasm following this book. So what’s causing it a hit? I can only come up with ‘twilight’. Doing some research, this book was originally posted online as a twilight fanfic!"

Mel says "Garbage. Absolutely horrifying, utter trash. A waste of trees, bookshelf space and precious, oh so very fucking precious braincells."

Baba says "I've had a rather long list of issues when I decided to abandon ship. FSoShit is garbage and if I had read a paperback I would have burned the fucking offending thing. It's a total mystery to me why this book ever saw the light of day because, let's face it, the writing is incredibly juvenile."

Molly says "Really.. blah, blah. On & on. No purpose, no plot, meandering for meandering's sake. I didn't finish it because, quite frankly, the 'heroine' got on my last fucking nerve."

Richard says "This is an awful book. Do not read this book. There is better smut on the internet. Smut that is well written. And it's free. Google is your friend. Go forth and find good smut."

Inge said "Well, I think it’s safe to say that I’m buying myself a chastity belt and am joining a nunnery. This book has put me off sex for ever and ever."

Karlyn says "Uh, wow. So this is IT?!! The book that the whole world is in utter fascination with?!! I think someone is laughing their way to the bank."

Sparrow says "This was like if Hannah Montana tried to write an erotica novel." and "The popularity of this book makes me need to move to a different planet."

Ezmirelda says "Some people are saying Fifty Shades is pretty good for a self-published novel. No! Absolutely not. This is a horribly written book self-published or not. In fact, comparing this to the standards of ALL self-published novels is an insult to indie publishing. "

Nataliya says "I was basically dared to read this, with the impeccable logic of 'How can you know it's that bad if you haven't had a chance to form your own opinion?' What I *should have* pointed out in response to the dare would be that I know perfectly well that syphilis is a nasty disease without having the need to go and experience it myself."

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