Funny Review Quotes for Fifty Shades of Grey: Part 1

 Fifty Shades of No

Before I found these gems I knew that 'Fifty Shades of Grey' was a poorly written piece of erotica. I wouldn't recommend it- and it isn't my genre. Can I say "it doesn't suit my tastes" in the same post? whatever. Here for your amusement:

Wigs says "Thank you E.L. James, for proving to me there was something worth waiting for. Something that truly exemplifies the meaning of terrible."

Brigid says "This book was unbelievably horrible." and "But it turns out, this is hardly even a book. A bit of backround research will quickly inform you that this book is actually a very long piece of Twilight fanfiction. I kid you not." and "This book is just written like the stream-of-consciousness of a 15-year-old. All Ana can seem to do in her narration is comment on how sexy Christian looks, and throw in a lot of "Holy shit!"/"Holy crap!"/"Holy fuck!"s. I read this in ebook format, so I looked up how many times each of these phrases was used. "holy shit" = 65 times "holy crap" = 54 times "holy fuck" = 45 times" and "He reaches between my legs and pulls on the blue string... what! And... a gently pulls my tampon out and tosses it into the nearby toilet."

Katrina P.L. says "What in the hell just happened? Did I really read that? Oh, my god, I did. I did read that." and "My suspicions were confirmed a few pages later when Ana admits that any "sympathy" she feels for her sick friend is "unwelcome". Unwelcome, apparently because her friend is beautiful, even when she has the flu...? What a petty, jealous cunt." and "My inner goddess will cap yours in the face if you don't shut the fuck up" and "Since this is considered nothing more than "mommy porn", I will attempt to pander to that particular demographic for a moment. Were the sex scenes well-written? Well, none of it was particularly well-written."

Steph says "Introducing an even more abusive and disturbing TWILIGHT! Now with whips and chains!" and "I'm not sure what possessed me to pick up Fifty Shades of Grey. I thought I might genuinely like it before I started, but all I was left with was one hell of a mindfuck."

Kruti says "In the words of Miss Steele, "You need to sort your shit out, Grey!" Good day, sir!" and "What baffles me is the scary fangirlgasm following this book. So what’s causing it a hit? I can only come up with ‘twilight’. Doing some research, this book was originally posted online as a twilight fanfic!"

Mel says "Garbage. Absolutely horrifying, utter trash. A waste of trees, bookshelf space and precious, oh so very fucking precious braincells."

Baba says "I've had a rather long list of issues when I decided to abandon ship. FSoShit is garbage and if I had read a paperback I would have burned the fucking offending thing. It's a total mystery to me why this book ever saw the light of day because, let's face it, the writing is incredibly juvenile."

Molly says "Really.. blah, blah. On & on. No purpose, no plot, meandering for meandering's sake. I didn't finish it because, quite frankly, the 'heroine' got on my last fucking nerve."

Richard says "This is an awful book. Do not read this book. There is better smut on the internet. Smut that is well written. And it's free. Google is your friend. Go forth and find good smut."

Inge said "Well, I think it’s safe to say that I’m buying myself a chastity belt and am joining a nunnery. This book has put me off sex for ever and ever."

Karlyn says "Uh, wow. So this is IT?!! The book that the whole world is in utter fascination with?!! I think someone is laughing their way to the bank."

Sparrow says "This was like if Hannah Montana tried to write an erotica novel." and "The popularity of this book makes me need to move to a different planet."

Ezmirelda says "Some people are saying Fifty Shades is pretty good for a self-published novel. No! Absolutely not. This is a horribly written book self-published or not. In fact, comparing this to the standards of ALL self-published novels is an insult to indie publishing. "

Nataliya says "I was basically dared to read this, with the impeccable logic of 'How can you know it's that bad if you haven't had a chance to form your own opinion?' What I *should have* pointed out in response to the dare would be that I know perfectly well that syphilis is a nasty disease without having the need to go and experience it myself."

The Way of Kings - Part 1

This would be an update on my reading progress for Brandon Sanderson's 'The Way of Kings'. [323/1007]

I like this book. You can definitely tell that Sanderson has spent quite some time developing it. There is a lot going on in a very focused point of view between about a half dozen characters. The story thus far has been moving along kind of slowly- but with a book of this size and epicness there is a lot of information to soak up- I hope your mind is like a sponge. It has been getting better and better. I particularly like the story of Kaladin and the issues that he is facing. He has to deal with the fact that he is a slave and is seen as scum while debating himself about the philosophy of life, honor and other people. I expect to enjoy Dalinar's tale a bit more as it moves along. It's been perhaps 150 pages or so- but no sign of Shallan.

I eventually want to get the hard cover for collector's purposes- and read... The durability of the film covering on the paperback is peeling. I had this problem with my Half-Orcs omnibus and it's annoying. They cut the protective film right at the edge of the book instead of bringing it to the inside of the cover. The result? if you touch the edges.....

'The Faithful and the Fallen' Series by John Gwynne

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The title of the series sounds something out of 'As the world turns' but I digress. Let's talk epic fantasy. Although I have not read 'Game of Thrones' by George R.R. Martin, many people compare 'The Faithful and the Fallen' to it. I guess that can't be bad. The books are well written and I enjoyed them.

It's a coming of age story about a young man who wants to serve his King and make his parents proud- except that the world starts crumbling apart. The books cover multiple characters and can jump around from chapter to chapter- but you get used to it. There's a lot of backstabbing, a lot of bull shittery and a lot of death.

Without giving any spoilers away- the ending is very satisfying. It isn't a complete cliff hangar- but leaves the path open to his next series that takes place in the same universe. That book is slated to release in late 2017. No concrete date yet- but it's on my radar. I was expecting a little more apocalypse, but got a good story anyways. I gave each book a solid four stars. Go read them.

Truth and courage!

'The Crown Tower' and 'The Rose and the Thorn' by Michael J. Sullivan

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These two books were fun to read. I didn't absolutely adore it or stay up late to read more- but it was a great read throughout the two books. 'The Rose and the Thorn' was written better than it's predecessor in my opinion- containing more substance and darker tones. This book was much easier to 'round closer' to a 4/5 stars. My only criticism of the series is that it could be longer (I am spoiled by big epic fantasy tomes) and have more combat.

All of the characters are likeable here- I don't have any one favorite. I debated on leaving the books alone after this one, but I feel that I will return to Riyria after some time has passed. I would recommend the book if you like high fantasy and gritty fantasy (lifelike; not necessarily through rose colored glasses).

'The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms' by N.K. Jemisin

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I began writing this review about three quarters the way into the book. I should start off by saying that I am not familiar with a first person style of writing. The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms stands out in that regard. However I was confused- and put off- despite my random nature to begin with- with cut off ideas and random bits of information injected- as if some kind of inception were taking place. You begin to realize through the book that this is a recollection of events that happened- although you are reading and 'seeing' in the moment.

It would be disingenuous of me to say that first person writing styles are not the way to go in fantasy. I am sure someone, somewhere in my subjective opinion (and it is just that- an opinion) used it to amazing success. I have also seen third person storytelling with injected first person elements. Thoughts. I can see where the book may be confusing to people who can't hang on long to abstract thought. Some may call it genius- but I can't see it in The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms.

It's not a bad book- but it isn't amazing either. I think what limits the book, and potentially the series- is that it is too narrow. Fine- it is from one character's point of view. But I feel that any world-building, if it was considered much- was not sufficient enough to make me read on the edge of my seat. Again- leaning towards chaos rather than order in writing style can be done to great effect- but I just can't see it. Some other folks can, but I cannot. I think the sex scenes, although they establish importance between characters detracts from the experience.

The seeds are there- but I don't think enough was done to nurture their growth. I feel the development wasn't enough, but what is here is enough to keep you reading the series to see how it turns out. I also felt that there was next to no combat in this book. The little combat that there was was well written and grandiose. I liked it- but it felt... lacking. Nothing in the book knocked my socks off and sent me careening over the edge.

I wouldn't give a 'pass on this' recommendation, but a cautious note that if the reader likes being thrown for loops and enjoys the narrow focus of the story- then this book will do. I may or may not donate it in the future so that my copy can be enjoyed by another reader. If you want to look into it- pick up a sample and see if you like it. Free demos/samples are available here on Goodreads.

'The Giver" by Lois Lowry

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Originally I had read about how someone went on a diatribe about half the length of this book regarding how the book was garbage and pushing an agenda. I had to read this book about 15 years ago for school and today I cannot remember what it was about. Whatever. I'll offer my plain jane simple view of the matter. The author wrote the book well- but the storytelling is shallow and non-conclusive. What I mean by that is that the book cannot wrap itself up but must 'hyphenate' over to the next in the series. Had this been stand-a-lone I would have been much harsher on it.

A book for middle schoolers?
I don't know if a middle schooler can extrapolate any meaning from this book- but I am sure a conclusion can be reached through discussion. This is why the book was commonly used in school curriculums. As an educated adult I had no problem extracting some meaning. I got the jist of the message and it's important. I now allude to an earlier snippet where I discussed the meaning I found.

"The book's meaning begins to sink in at about page 159. Without pain in life people will never learn and never experience what life 'is'. Pleasure and pain are two sides of the same coin. Without memories of the past- no matter if horrible or wonderful- people will never learn the wisdom to make future decisions. That is the bare knuckle, down to the bone message I get from the book. Is it fun to read? not really."

Reasons for disliking the book
It wasn't fun to read because the story didn't grab or entertain me. Obviously one can read about 'the community' and either be indifferent about it or oppose that way of living (as I do), but I feel there was a better way to go about delivering the message. So Jonas discovers things. big deal. So he learns about 'release'- big deal. There needed to be more to the story than just his reactions. Most people who still have a shred of empathy will agree on the assumption the 'release' in the book is bad- but the author did not explore any further on those feelings or on the subject of 'release'.

But what about...
Then I can hear the 'but I want my readers to think about it on their own and come to their own conclusions'. I feel that the book should have given more information to spur critical thinking. You drop an idea, talk about how one character reacts to that idea, show his position on it- then what he is going to do about it. OK- but if you want to spread further meaning through your work- you need to explore the philosophical aspects. Perhaps that is too much for a 'children's book'.

Conclusion
Some books are read for entertainment. Others to gain information and yet others to deliver a meaning or message. I felt that 'The Giver' could have done better and could have wrapped up the story better in its first of four books. I didn't necessarily hate this book- I was just not captivated by the story and I did not enjoy it. Your mileage may vary. If the author did not seriously attempt to write the book with meaning then I would have given it one star. It's not a BAD book per se- it is just one that wasn't for me.

'The Powder Mage Trilogy' by Brian McClellan

Promise of Blood: * * * * * \ The Crimson Campaign * * * * \ The Autumn Republic * * * *

I'll put it in the words of my roommate 'yeah sold'. I asked him how he would like an epic fantasy title with magic and guns set in a colonial setting. My sentiments exactly.

These books are fun. They are well written and they are lean and mean. What I mean by that is that I was never bored. There's no filler and no sidetracking. Promise of Blood mixes magic, artillery, war, muskets all together in an epic fantasy tale combined with a detective mystery. I thoroughly enjoyed each book- especially 'Promise of Blood' and 'The Autumn Republic'. The Promise of Blood won 1 of 2 of my 'Book of the Year' awards for 2017.

The only character I felt was underdeveloped was Kapole. It's not because she is mute (a fun twist on a character) but that she remains such a mystery. I guess that's the 'lure' so to speak, but I am nit picking. My favorite character in the series has to be Borbador. He is hilarious, witty and fun to imagine. Taniel and Tamas were also favorites. Scenes have just the right amount of fun when they need, the right amount of humor when they need it and action scenes that will keep me coming back to the series. Yes- I'll probably read it all again in the future it's that good.

Great job Brian. I am definitely going to be watching for new books from you!

'The Selfish Gene' by Rhichard Dawkins

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A very straightforward book about evolution and the conflict people have with it, typically citing that evolution is 'by chance'. The Selfish Gene shows why this isn't so. Although it is written for the layman, a bit of education is required to understand some of the terminology. A truly ground-breaking book when it was released.

Shadowdance 1: A Dance of Cloaks

(This review is free from spoilers, except for setting a little of the main plot). A tale of underworld chaos, retribution, bloody murder, greed and revolution- Shadowdance is a fantasy book series by David Dalglish that chronicles the world of Dezrel, in this book the land of Neldar.

An iron fist and a bloody reputation has landed Thren Felhorn command of the city of Veldaren. Anything he says goes: pay your protection money or be killed. Speak against the spider guild and be killed. Attack an agent and be killed. Blood, coins, the flow of both pleases this sadistical monster. His legacy rests on his son Aaron Felhorn. Instead of becoming a father like a normal man would, this boy will be taught to kill, to steal, to lockpick and to make sound decisions that will strike fear into the hearts of Veldaren's citizens. No one will dare question Thren: when he is done with Aaron, no one will even dare look at his son in the wrong way.

Tit for tat, agent for mercenary, the numerous guild factions have been at each other's throats while attacking the Trifect, a conglomerate of the richest families in the land. Naiive cutpurses try to rob a caravan and become dead; guilds will pilfer and launder the Trifect's money as penance. Greed, selfishness and ruthlessness rule the underworld of Veldaren as well as the city itself.

Aaron has concerns about becoming the ultimate killer. As he watches his father mercilessly kill those who oppose him, Aaron begins imagining a life away from the killing, the combat- the beatings and bruises as punishment for failure. After a failed assassination and kidnapping attempt, Aaron begins to learn of a life more appealing than his father's one and ultimate goal: to enshrine his legacy into his son- by making him the perfect killer.

This book series is great. I am new to the genre and I am glad that Shadowdance stood out to me on the bookshelf. I don't regret buying it and reading it was a ton of fun. While I took my time on book 1, and I hate to talk about the sequel in book 1's review, I plowed through book 2 faster than I did book 1. Let Veldaren take you in; and realize that Thren Felhorn is one conniving, cruel and sadistic son of a bitch. I highly recommend the book series- but some parents may be concerned about the violence and use of (rare) foul language. Oh well. I guess it is better to read about it then to watch a gorey movie. Support the author and 'buy new' on this one.