August 9, 2017

Regrets


'Every vision has been cast into the wind
As your courage crashes down before your eyes...
Don't lay down and die.'

'Because I see in you
More than you'll ever know
And I ask you why...
You question the strength inside?
And you need to know
What it feels to be alive!'

'In this world of give and take you must have faith'


I usually keep personal things to myself and close family- but I thought I would post a little bit about what is going on lately and what will be happening in the near future. TL;DR the blog isn't shutting down and neither is the Youtube channel.




Parable
Sure- I have regrets. Not about the courses of action I have taken- but because of missed opportunities due to other outside factors in my life. It’s sad- I’ve tried controlling the direction of the wind and I just can’t get the damn wind mill to spin (cue Song of Storms). I’ve given it years and years of labor, planting seeds and trying to make trade deals. I looked at the horizon for the next day to be a better one. It’s been almost 1,500 sunrises and sunsets. Sure I got the windmill to spin for a little while- but it’s hard to do in a land that has little wind.

You get my parable. At least you read into it. Due to a fragile and recovering economy along with bureaucrats messing with our lives in Washington- along with the fact that the area I live around is a shit hole of an economy I must move on to greater things. No it doesn’t mean I am quitting the blog or the Youtube channel. It means I am moving locations.

Money
I cannot afford my monthly rent payments combined with almost $400 a month (and climbing) in health insurance costs while paying loans back. Worse- the company I am working for is contracting hard. We won’t mention who they are or my beefs with them- but know that at the heart of the store I work at there are good people and they are worth working for. Profits are down, people are leaving and are dissatisfied with the company.

The sad part about that is that a lot of it could have been mitigated or prevented- but that’s a story for another day that I may not discuss. Losing me is going to hurt- hard. The sector I work in will be down a person, they’ve lost a cashier, a handyman and someone who gets the job done. I voluntarily do things other people would rather avoid and I am always honest with other people. It’s almost an understatement to say that my 2 week’s notice will be a kidney shot. The store would probably make an offer to keep me if they had a say in such matters. Corporate doesn’t give a shit- and never did. 

Disagreements
I won’t go into much detail and I’ll be mostly politically correct about this. My roommate and I have disagreements about many things. These disagreements can’t be solved because negotiations cannot take place. I am willing to negotiate, but issues cannot be fixed if two parties aren’t negotiating because one party refuses to. It’s not healthy, it isn’t helpful and it’s not how I want to live.

Job
The only reason I stick around in the area that I am in is because I am familiar with it and I have friends. More so the latter one. For four years I have tried to build a stable career in the area and it hasn’t amounted to anything steady. I have actively fought against the current in attempting to live my life here and to make it work out. Unfortunately it isn’t. Like I said before- and I won’t bitch too much about it- the assholes in D.C. are making it much worse. I would not be a very good politician because I would not lie and I would spend most of my time screaming at idiots- wherein said idiots would demand an apology for being ‘so disrespectful’. 

The power has gone to their heads.
I love my true friends that I have in this area. They have not been without their own personal struggles with this life and have found some good fortune. I like hanging out with them and visiting often- but relocating for another job means that I won’t be around as much anymore. I have a lot of true friends trapped in the territory of Maryland too that will be harder to see. My parents are moving too- and they aren’t winners in any of this either. My Dad has move away from a good friend and his family. Mom the same. 

History
I am damn lucky that I have a safety net to fall back on. In the interim of their move I will be relocating (temporarily) to my parents’ house while I plot my next move. The dice are already selected and ready to go for the check- they just need to be rolled and tallied. I will assist with their relocation, ironically- to Pennsylvania. The irony of this is multi-faceted. 

In 2011 they moved to Illinois due to a job relocation. I went because I was in college at the time. I hated that godforsaken land- and most of my hatred centered on Cook County, Illinois. I wanted to exercise my right to keep and bear arms and they denied me because they thought it was too dangerous for anyone to keep a gun let alone carry one. I joined the resistance and movement to force them to comply. The state, as a whole (minus Springfield and Chicago) were ready and willing to move on this- some counties, like the one I lived in- were absolutely ashamed that we were the laughing stock of the nation. 

For a year and a half we fought Lisa Madigan, the Madigan clan, McCarthy, Emmanuel and the rest of the corrupt Chicago political machine. They did every last possible thing they could to fight against the Constitution and they lost. After they lost they concluded that they did not have to follow a federal ruling because it ‘didn’t apply to them’. Then the state Supreme Court shut them the fuck up.

I left Illinois before concealed carry was implemented. The irony is that in my quest to leave that place- my father was relocated a month later to another state. Had I not left when I did I would be in that state right now- my future on a different path. That is something that I do not regret. When I arrived in Pennsylvania my rights were restored. I joined a range and legally blew up my FOID card. I don’t give a fuck that it was Illinois’ property.

The family curse (we call it something else after my Dad’s former job) dictates that my family relocates about every five years. It’s about that time- and months ago when I heard my Dad was laid off due to a restructuring within the company- I said two things. #1 They just made a huge mistake replacing you with foreign workers, and #2 You’re moving again, aren’t you?

The Future
You have to look at the future with hope. This country seems like it’s going down the toilet and the prospects of order and sanity shrink with each passing day. Someone, somewhere is trying to sell you something- whether it’s bullshit, an agenda or something you do not need. Certainty is a rare and precious gem. Tomorrow can radically change- people whom you do not know have influence in what happens with your life. It has been this way for millennia. 

There is so much vitriol, so much bigotry, and especially hatred floating around. People hurt and kill each other simply because they disagree. They still do it because they don’t like another person’s skin color. Then we have a new breed of hate: intolerance of opinion and intolerance of rights. People are shooting at law enforcement. People perpetrate hate crimes because their candidate did not gain power. People murder others (and police) in the streets. Parashtoika is here- and to make matters worse- rights are being eroded by governments who feel that you don’t need them ‘for your own good’. We won’t go there because it can get me in trouble.

When the economy is down, money is running out and no one wants to give you a job that doesn’t pay enough in the first place it’s easy to give up and give in to despair. The only things you can do are to not give up, not give in and do something good for other people. You have to believe in yourself or all is lost. None of this requires religion or spirituality- it’s all about fighting for what should and could be. America hasn’t faced days like this in a long time. It hasn’t had this dark of a time since the Depression, the Civil War or the Revolution. 

Don’t go down without a fight.
Don’t give into despair.
Do good for others expecting nothing in return.
Do think.
Do stand up for yourself.
Do fight hatred at every turn.
Do thank your police officers who respect your rights
Do what you think is right without harming others.

We're better than this. Mephisto is alive and well. Now. My regrets.

Regrets
I regret not being able to pick up a Nintendo Switch (despite it coming out lately) and playing Zelda: Breath of the Wild. I am trying to avoid the game and Zelda on the internet in order to not spoil the story. I regret putting model building on hold to focus on other things. I still have a ton of models that are waiting to be built. I regret not being able to connect with old friends as much as I wanted to. I regret not getting out more and meeting new people. I think most of all I regret not being able to make things work out here.



I’m not going anywhere- but come time September I may be offline for a bit as I get my life redirected. It’s time to switch tracks so they say- but not derail the train. God forbid I go back to that wreck that was Illinois- ever.

https://youtu.be/gkMOXsY1nDo 

'Every vision has been cast into the wind
As your courage crashes down before your eyes...
Don't lay down and die.'

'Because I see in you
More than you'll ever know
And I ask you why...
You question the strength inside?
And you need to know
What it feels to be alive!'

Those words got me through dark days. 13 years later they still comfort me.


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